Got Brains?

Do you feel sluggish? Are your kids complaining about the moaning coming from your bedroom? Or maybe you just have a midnight craving to scoop the brains out of a human skull and spread them on an English muffin from Sunday's pot-luck social at church? If so, you may be in luck. For the rest of us, however, we might well be in deep shit. You see, I have a theory. Okay, it's probably not a good theory, but if Harold Camping is as brilliant as I believe him to be, it's not something we can afford to ignore.


I'll get right to the point: if Harold was right, and May 21st was indeed a "spiritual rapture" rather than the anticipated physical one, would it not be logical to conclude that the bodies of those swept up in holy rapture are now, in fact, ZOMBIES?! And perhaps, just perhaps, the "hell on Earth" leading up to October 21st is not to be plagued by earthquakes and floods but by a dreaded zombie apocalypse with shells of former Christians feasting on the tasty gray matter of the left behind?

So why listen to Camping? Well consider that Jesus failed at this very same prophecy nearly 2000 years ago by predicting it within His generation. That makes Harold Camping almost 2000 years smarter than Jesus. I have a minor in mathematics from a southern university with a very prestigious basketball team, so trust me when I tell you this all makes sense. Harold has found no flaw in his numbers and I have reviewed his data with similar findings. It's only the form of the apocalypse left in doubt by scripture.

So what can you do? Is it a coincidence that the freakin' C-D-C has already prepared the population for the zombie apocalypse? Find all your zombie survival needs outlined here:

http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

But before you go all Woody Harrelson in Zombieland on their asses, remember that Camping only anticipates 3% of the population was raptured. Just stick with rule #1 and you should make it to the final judgment day of October 21 without much trouble:

Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the "virus" struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bastards.

And considering the stunning lack of gray matter in the country these days, I suspect the zombies will starve to death before they reach you.

Holy Headgear, Batman!

A friend of mine said to me today, "Leo! What's up with the pope and that big pointy hat?"

Now I thought the exact same thing you are probably thinking now, clearly it's an antenna that beams the pope's prayers up to God in hi-def and receives His answers in similar fashion. Sort of like DirectTV. But I'm a pretty science-minded guy. I don't like to make a lot of assumptions so I decided to look into it. And a good thing too, because much to my surprise, I was wrong!

What happens in Timnath, stays in Timnath.

Sure, the Bible is known for its monopoly on melodrama and morality plays, but as usual, we underestimate its utility. It's got some really good porn too! Well, I guess it's really more like soap opera, but you get the picture. The best example I've found so far has got be Genesis 38. It would give The Young and the Restless a real run for its money, but instead of Victor and Genoa City, we have Judah and Timnath.

When last we saw Judah, he was selling off his baby brother Joseph

Robber Goat

This may be my all-time favorite news article from a couple of years back.

Police in Nigeria are holding a goat handed to them by a vigilante group, which said it was a car thief who had used witchcraft to change shape.

The article also explains that

Police have also been unable to stop vigilante squads from lynching suspects before they could investigate

which makes me wonder how this particular car thief avoided ending up on the dinner table.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7846822.stm

Tough Love

In our modern rush to embrace the so-called "scientific" approach to raising children by quacks like Dr. Benjamin Spock, I believe we have overlooked the greatest model parent known to man. I speak, of course, of the Lord God. This post seeks to mine His word for as many gems as can be found in hope that we might be guided through the mine-field that parenting seems to be these days. Do chicken McNuggets make our kids fat? Does childhood videogaming produce violent adults? Who the hell knows. But one thing's for sure - give those little bastards an inch, and they'll take a mile.

Our Heavenly "Father" crushes many of the myths that get shoe-horned into our brains by liberal hack journalists like those down the street at Parenting magazine.

That Yahweh's got me in stitches

You might say that God has come under a little criticism lately for the so-called “wrathful” way in which he set early humans on the straight and narrow. But here are a few quotes from the heart of the Pentateuch that show he has a fun side too!

Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces… [Malachi 2:3]

Snap! That must be where the old pie-in-the-face joke came from. And how about this practical joke on the Egyptians?