Sure, the Bible is known for its monopoly on melodrama and morality plays, but as usual, we underestimate its utility. It's got some really good porn too! Well, I guess it's really more like soap opera, but you get the picture. The best example I've found so far has got be Genesis 38. It would give The Young and the Restless a real run for its money, but instead of Victor and Genoa City, we have Judah and Timnath.
When last we saw Judah, he was selling off his baby brother Joseph to the Ishmaeelites (or Midianites, take your pick since the story changes within a few lines of each other), and I guess there's nothing like selling a relative into slavery to make a man horny for a little action. So Judah heads over to hang with his buddy Hirah for a few years and to make a move on this Caananite hottie he's heard about. And man does Judah know how to make a move. He hits the trifecta and produces three sons in the process, Er, Onan, and Shelah.
And yea, verily after his oldest son comes of age, Judah decides to hook Er up with a wife, Tamar. But, Er, the kid just has this unstated wickedness about him, you know? God doesn't say, but I imagine him as this Colin Farrell type, getting into fistfights outside the pub. Or maybe he was this smooth-talking used camel salesman. Who knows. But whatever the reason, God decides to slay him, just like that. Whammo! Er's dead. So now poor Judah is stuck with this boat anchor of a daughter-in-law, Tamar. But Judah's a deal maker, right? He talked his brothers out of killing Joseph, so surely he can make the best of this. So he sends son #2 in to pinch hit with Tamar. Judah says "Onan! Go do you brother's wife, marry her, and raise the children as your dead bro's seed, okay?"
Onan's like "Sure dad!" (wink, wink) But see, Onan is this George Clooney type. That marriage shit's not for him. But Dad is Dad, he might sell Onan's ass into slavery (he's done it before) so best to play along. Here's where the story gets a little dirty. When Onan and Tamar are verily doing the nasty, that crafty devil Onan spills his seed on the ground instead of into Tamar! Brilliant plan, right? Avoiding all the responsibility? Very Clooney-esque. Wrong! Huuuuge mistake. Apparently the Big Man himself was surfing the porn channels that night, zoomed in on Onan's little sleight of... hand?... whatever, and yep, you guessed it, dead son number two.
"Jesus Christ!!", Judah says. "Tamar! Go stay with your old man for a while until son number three, Shelah, is grown cause I sure as hell don't want to lose all three. God is just goin' CRAZY on my ass!"
Here, Moses must have spun the plot wheel when writing Genesis to see who to kill next and advance the story... click..click..click...click......click. Judah's wife. Makes sense anyway. Her sons are dropping like flies. Had to be pretty stressful on her for God to keep striking them dead as fast as she can push them out. But her death frees up Judah to head up to Timnath with his buddy Hirah to get his sheep sheared (euphemism for getting a little harlot action).
Now Judah the poor bastard must been a braggart, running his mouth off down at the pub about his upcoming "sheep shearing" trip, because the word makes through the grape vine to Tamar who is still sitting at home in her widow clothes PISSED because Judah hasn't delivered on his promise to marry her to Shelah.
Tamar concocts this brilliant plan to trap her a man. She whores herself up like a pantiless Britney out on the town with Paris (but with a veil) and sets up shop on the side of the road into Timnath. Now it seems that Judah has verily never passed on an opportunity to fornicate. He pulls over at the road-side sex stand like he's buying fresh corn to check out the veiled hottie. And then he lets go of what had to have been one of the best pickup lines ever uttered in Timnath:
Judah: Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee.
Tamar: What'll you gimme?
Judah: How about a sheep?
Tamar: Sure! But what can i hold as collateral until the sheep arrives?
Judah: How about my ring, bracelets, and staff?
Tamar: Deal.
Now Judah, this is definitely not a man shooting blanks. Tamar is pregnant forthwith with his baby! And then she hauls ass out of Timnath (without the sheep) and back into her widow duds at home, leaving Judah mystified about where his harlot has gone. He *is* a man of principle after all, and does not want to renege on the whole sheep deal.
Three month after Judah's return from Timnath like a winning gambler from Vegas, he gets word that his daughter-in-law, Tamar, has been out whoring around instead of sitting at home mourning!! Now Judah is no fool, he sees the golden opportunity to renege on his OTHER deal to marry off Shelah, so he says: "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt!!"
Holy shit, you see what's coming, right? When Tamar shows up for her burning she whips out the ring and the bracelets and the staff and says "There was this dude, right? He owns all this shit, this ring, these braclets, and this staff. The bastard got me pregnant!"
Damn! Judah is gobsmacked! How could he have been so unfair?! Tamar has obviously acted more honorably than he and so he allows her to live. Great guy, huh?
This story wraps up nicely, suggesting one hell of a sequel. It came to pass then, that Tamar is carrying Judah's twin boys! And get this, during labor a tiny hand pops out, and the midwife ties a scarlet string around his hand to mark him as the first born. But guess what... the hand goes back in and his brother comes out first instead! (robbed no doubt of some birthright gaggle of sheep). He's followed soon thereafter by Zahar, no doubt with a smirk on his little face. I don't know what Zahar grew up to be, but I bet he could put Collin Farrell to shame.
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