Got Brains?

Do you feel sluggish? Are your kids complaining about the moaning coming from your bedroom? Or maybe you just have a midnight craving to scoop the brains out of a human skull and spread them on an English muffin from Sunday's pot-luck social at church? If so, you may be in luck. For the rest of us, however, we might well be in deep shit. You see, I have a theory. Okay, it's probably not a good theory, but if Harold Camping is as brilliant as I believe him to be, it's not something we can afford to ignore.


I'll get right to the point: if Harold was right, and May 21st was indeed a "spiritual rapture" rather than the anticipated physical one, would it not be logical to conclude that the bodies of those swept up in holy rapture are now, in fact, ZOMBIES?! And perhaps, just perhaps, the "hell on Earth" leading up to October 21st is not to be plagued by earthquakes and floods but by a dreaded zombie apocalypse with shells of former Christians feasting on the tasty gray matter of the left behind?

So why listen to Camping? Well consider that Jesus failed at this very same prophecy nearly 2000 years ago by predicting it within His generation. That makes Harold Camping almost 2000 years smarter than Jesus. I have a minor in mathematics from a southern university with a very prestigious basketball team, so trust me when I tell you this all makes sense. Harold has found no flaw in his numbers and I have reviewed his data with similar findings. It's only the form of the apocalypse left in doubt by scripture.

So what can you do? Is it a coincidence that the freakin' C-D-C has already prepared the population for the zombie apocalypse? Find all your zombie survival needs outlined here:

http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

But before you go all Woody Harrelson in Zombieland on their asses, remember that Camping only anticipates 3% of the population was raptured. Just stick with rule #1 and you should make it to the final judgment day of October 21 without much trouble:

Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the "virus" struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bastards.

And considering the stunning lack of gray matter in the country these days, I suspect the zombies will starve to death before they reach you.