Thursday, January 20, 2011

That Yahweh's got me in stitches

You might say that God has come under a little criticism lately for the so-called “wrathful” way in which he set early humans on the straight and narrow. But here are a few quotes from the heart of the Pentateuch that show he has a fun side too!
Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces… [Malachi 2:3]
Snap! That must be where the old pie-in-the-face joke came from. And how about this practical joke on the Egyptians?

And [God] took off their chariot wheels, that they drave them heavily: so that the Egyptians said, Let us flee from the face of Israel; for the LORD fighteth for them against the Egyptians. [Exodus 14:25]
Doh! Can you imagine the looks on their faces? And how about this one on Aaron where God makes him wear a bell around:
A golden bell and a pomegranate upon the hem of the robe round about. And it shall be upon Aaron to minister: and his sound shall be heard when he goeth in unto the holy place before the LORD, and when he cometh out, that he die not. [Exodus 28:34-35]
Obviously God’s not going to strike him dead by mistake so you know he was slapping his knee whenever he heard the tinkle. Here’s my personal favorite, but I guess John Wayne Bobbitt won’t find it that funny:
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. [Deuteronomy 23:1]
And last but not least:
Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law. And all the people shall say, Amen. [Deuteronomy 27:23]
Amen to that one Big Man.

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