Magnets & Miracles

Got Brains?

2011-05-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

Do you feel sluggish? Are your kids complaining about the moaning coming from your bedroom? Or maybe you just have a midnight craving to scoop the brains out of a human skull and spread them on an English muffin from Sunday's pot-luck social at church? If so, you may be in luck. For the rest of us, however, we might well be in deep shit. You see, I have a theory. Okay, it's probably not a good theory, but if Harold Camping is as brilliant as I believe him to be, it's not something we can afford to ignore.

I'll get right to the point: if Harold was right, and May 21st was indeed a "spiritual rapture" rather than the anticipated physical one, would it not be logical to conclude that the bodies of those swept up in holy rapture are now, in fact, ZOMBIES?! And perhaps, just perhaps, the "hell on Earth" leading up to October 21st is not to be plagued by earthquakes and floods but by a dreaded zombie apocalypse with shells of former Christians feasting on the tasty gray matter of the left behind?

So why listen to Camping? Well consider that Jesus failed at this very same prophecy nearly 2000 years ago by predicting it within His generation. That makes Harold Camping almost 2000 years smarter than Jesus. I have a minor in mathematics from a southern university with a very prestigious basketball team, so trust me when I tell you this all makes sense. Harold has found no flaw in his numbers and I have reviewed his data with similar findings. It's only the form of the apocalypse left in doubt by scripture.

So what can you do? Is it a coincidence that the freakin' C-D-C has already prepared the population for the zombie apocalypse? Find all your zombie survival needs outlined here:

http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

But before you go all Woody Harrelson in Zombieland on their asses, remember that Camping only anticipates 3% of the population was raptured. Just stick with rule #1 and you should make it to the final judgment day of October 21 without much trouble:

Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the "virus" struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bastards.

And considering the stunning lack of gray matter in the country these days, I suspect the zombies will starve to death before they reach you.

Holy Headgear, Batman!

2011-02-16T17:49:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine said to me today, "Leo! What's up with the pope and that big pointy hat?"

Now I thought the exact same thing you are probably thinking now, clearly it's an antenna that beams the pope's prayers up to God in hi-def and receives His answers in similar fashion. Sort of like DirectTV. But I'm a pretty science-minded guy. I don't like to make a lot of assumptions so I decided to look into it. And a good thing too, because much to my surprise, I was wrong!

The pope's hat is indeed NOT a holy receptacle of wisdom, but a projection of papal power. When the pope really wants to dish out his "papal infallibility", he pulls out the holy mother of headgear... the Papal Tiara. This is not your run-of-the-mill tiara. This one would even leave Elton John with a pants tent. The Papal Tiara is an aircraft carrier in the Persian gulf. It's a .44 Magnum pointed at the congregation asking "Do you feel lucky, punk? Well do you?" It is a giant, three-tiered, gold plated, jewel-encrusted phallus perched atop the holy father of morality screaming "Fuck with me and you'll be picking diamonds out of your..." Well, you get the picture.

I was quite surprised, then, to learn that not all religious headgear serve the same purpose. Jewish men for example wear kippot (otherwise known as a yarmulke to those of you not as well versed in religious headgear as I) not just to advertise their religion, but also because the Talmud states "Cover your head in order that the fear of heaven may be upon you." Now a famous Rabbi stated that he never walked 4 cubits with his head uncovered because "the Divine Presence is always over my head" and as we all know, there's nothing the Divine Presence hates worse than hovering over the sight of a head of motley hair. But sadly, this respected rabbi, Rabbi Hunah ben Joshua, was imprecise in his language. Did he mean to imply that walking without the kippot less that 4 cubits was okay? Can I walk for 4 cubits, put my kippot back on, take it off again, walk 4 more cubits, and so on? Is that enough to appease the Divine Presence or will that just piss Him off? A schism thus ensued over the wearing of the kippot into various kippot wearing camps. And well, you can guess the rest. Chaos followed and now we have this:

More recently, kippot have been observed made in the colors of sports teams, especially football. In the United States, children's kippot with cartoon characters or themes such as Star Wars are popular. (In response to this trend, some Jewish schools have banned kippot with characters that do not conform to traditional Jewish values.) Kippot have been inscribed on the inside as a souvenir for a celebration (bar/bat mitzvah or wedding). Kippot for women are being made and worn. A special baby kippah has two strings on each side to fasten it and is often used in a brit milah ceremony.

Lest we neglect Islam, it is of significant note that Muhammad, peace be upon him (lest violence be upon me), was the only prophet, peace be upon him, to get the headgear thing right, namely with the hijab. This practical accessory shields us fragile men and our uncontrollable libidos from would-be temptresses. Like this woman:

Now you know you'd hit that if only you could get a good look at her hair. Muhammad, you go boy! (Peace be upon you.)

What happens in Timnath, stays in Timnath.

2011-01-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

Sure, the Bible is known for its monopoly on melodrama and morality plays, but as usual, we underestimate its utility. It's got some really good porn too! Well, I guess it's really more like soap opera, but you get the picture. The best example I've found so far has got be Genesis 38. It would give The Young and the Restless a real run for its money, but instead of Victor and Genoa City, we have Judah and Timnath.

When last we saw Judah, he was selling off his baby brother Joseph to the Ishmaeelites (or Midianites, take your pick since the story changes within a few lines of each other), and I guess there's nothing like selling a relative into slavery to make a man horny for a little action. So Judah heads over to hang with his buddy Hirah for a few years and to make a move on this Caananite hottie he's heard about. And man does Judah know how to make a move. He hits the trifecta and produces three sons in the process, Er, Onan, and Shelah.

And yea, verily after his oldest son comes of age, Judah decides to hook Er up with a wife, Tamar. But, Er, the kid just has this unstated wickedness about him, you know? God doesn't say, but I imagine him as this Colin Farrell type, getting into fistfights outside the pub. Or maybe he was this smooth-talking used camel salesman. Who knows. But whatever the reason, God decides to slay him, just like that. Whammo! Er's dead. So now poor Judah is stuck with this boat anchor of a daughter-in-law, Tamar. But Judah's a deal maker, right? He talked his brothers out of killing Joseph, so surely he can make the best of this. So he sends son #2 in to pinch hit with Tamar. Judah says "Onan! Go do you brother's wife, marry her, and raise the children as your dead bro's seed, okay?"

Onan's like "Sure dad!" (wink, wink) But see, Onan is this George Clooney type. That marriage shit's not for him. But Dad is Dad, he might sell Onan's ass into slavery (he's done it before) so best to play along. Here's where the story gets a little dirty. When Onan and Tamar are verily doing the nasty, that crafty devil Onan spills his seed on the ground instead of into Tamar! Brilliant plan, right? Avoiding all the responsibility? Very Clooney-esque. Wrong! Huuuuge mistake. Apparently the Big Man himself was surfing the porn channels that night, zoomed in on Onan's little sleight of... hand?... whatever, and yep, you guessed it, dead son number two.

"Jesus Christ!!", Judah says. "Tamar! Go stay with your old man for a while until son number three, Shelah, is grown cause I sure as hell don't want to lose all three. God is just goin' CRAZY on my ass!"

Here, Moses must have spun the plot wheel when writing Genesis to see who to kill next and advance the story... click..click..click...click......click. Judah's wife. Makes sense anyway. Her sons are dropping like flies. Had to be pretty stressful on her for God to keep striking them dead as fast as she can push them out. But her death frees up Judah to head up to Timnath with his buddy Hirah to get his sheep sheared (euphemism for getting a little harlot action).

Now Judah the poor bastard must been a braggart, running his mouth off down at the pub about his upcoming "sheep shearing" trip, because the word makes through the grape vine to Tamar who is still sitting at home in her widow clothes PISSED because Judah hasn't delivered on his promise to marry her to Shelah.

Tamar concocts this brilliant plan to trap her a man. She whores herself up like a pantiless Britney out on the town with Paris (but with a veil) and sets up shop on the side of the road into Timnath. Now it seems that Judah has verily never passed on an opportunity to fornicate. He pulls over at the road-side sex stand like he's buying fresh corn to check out the veiled hottie. And then he lets go of what had to have been one of the best pickup lines ever uttered in Timnath:

Judah: Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee.
Tamar: What'll you gimme?
Judah: How about a sheep?
Tamar: Sure! But what can i hold as collateral until the sheep arrives?
Judah: How about my ring, bracelets, and staff?
Tamar: Deal.

Now Judah, this is definitely not a man shooting blanks. Tamar is pregnant forthwith with his baby! And then she hauls ass out of Timnath (without the sheep) and back into her widow duds at home, leaving Judah mystified about where his harlot has gone. He *is* a man of principle after all, and does not want to renege on the whole sheep deal.

Three month after Judah's return from Timnath like a winning gambler from Vegas, he gets word that his daughter-in-law, Tamar, has been out whoring around instead of sitting at home mourning!! Now Judah is no fool, he sees the golden opportunity to renege on his OTHER deal to marry off Shelah, so he says: "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt!!"

Holy shit, you see what's coming, right? When Tamar shows up for her burning she whips out the ring and the bracelets and the staff and says "There was this dude, right? He owns all this shit, this ring, these braclets, and this staff. The bastard got me pregnant!"

Damn! Judah is gobsmacked! How could he have been so unfair?! Tamar has obviously acted more honorably than he and so he allows her to live. Great guy, huh?

This story wraps up nicely, suggesting one hell of a sequel. It came to pass then, that Tamar is carrying Judah's twin boys! And get this, during labor a tiny hand pops out, and the midwife ties a scarlet string around his hand to mark him as the first born. But guess what... the hand goes back in and his brother comes out first instead! (robbed no doubt of some birthright gaggle of sheep). He's followed soon thereafter by Zahar, no doubt with a smirk on his little face. I don't know what Zahar grew up to be, but I bet he could put Collin Farrell to shame.

Robber Goat

2011-01-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

This may be my all-time favorite news article from a couple of years back.

Police in Nigeria are holding a goat handed to them by a vigilante group, which said it was a car thief who had used witchcraft to change shape.

The article also explains that

Police have also been unable to stop vigilante squads from lynching suspects before they could investigate

which makes me wonder how this particular car thief avoided ending up on the dinner table.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7846822.stm

Tough Love

2011-01-21T10:48:00.000-08:00

In our modern rush to embrace the so-called "scientific" approach to raising children by quacks like Dr. Benjamin Spock, I believe we have overlooked the greatest model parent known to man. I speak, of course, of the Lord God. This post seeks to mine His word for as many gems as can be found in hope that we might be guided through the mine-field that parenting seems to be these days. Do chicken McNuggets make our kids fat? Does childhood videogaming produce violent adults? Who the hell knows. But one thing's for sure - give those little bastards an inch, and they'll take a mile.

Our Heavenly "Father" crushes many of the myths that get shoe-horned into our brains by liberal hack journalists like those down the street at Parenting magazine.
Let's take, for example, the myth of allowing your children to grow up to be whatever makes them "happy", to let them explore their "potential" and identify their "aptitudes" so that we maximize their "confidence" and bolster their "self-esteem". The Bible barely gets underway before the Big Man calls bullshit on this idea. In Genesis 4, mankind's first juvenile delinquent, Cain, decides to become a "tiller of the ground", in other words, a radical vegetarian, whereas his wiser brother Abel is a tender of tasty sheep. So when Cain brings his offering of fruits and vegetables to the Heavenly Father, does He put the offering on display like some ugly, pre-K stick-man drawing on the Refrigerator? Of course not. For *this* child, he "had not respect".

How about circumcising your newborn? "Science" is now trying to tell us how our long-revered customs of genital mutilation are not only "unnecessary", but science fanboys are even trying to say it is *wrong*! God makes no bones about this one in Gen 17:14. Any boy whose flesh of the foreskin has not been circumcised "that soul shall be cut off by his people".

Bad language? Gen 20:9 pulls no punches. "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him." My young son called me 'dick-i-lous' the other day. He'd better hope I never figure out what that means.

Now let us not forget that hard-headed teenager who blows off Dad's sage advice and repeatedly breaks into the liquor cabinet. Woe be that poor bastard for he shall be dressed down in front of the city elders (this day and age, I'm guessing that means the homeowner or condo association) who "shall stone him with stones, that he die". [Gen 21:21] This is not only good parenting, but also very good economic advice if Dad's liquor consumption is already soaking up just a little too much of the family budget.

And finally, there are the little children. Gotta love the little children. Unless they make fun of your bald head, that is, like they did to Elisha on his way up from thence unto Bethel. Those foul-mouthed little sons-o-bitches you curse in the name of the LORD and send she-bears to rip them to shreds! [2 Kings 2:24]

So what's the bottom line here? There's a LOT more of this stuff in the Good Book and surely we don't want to eat into our time organizing prayer-chains on Facebook by actually reading all of it, so is there some rule-of-thumb into which all of this can be boiled down? I think so. Borrowing from the idea of "what would Jesus do", I think it's quite clear how God intends for us to govern our children through their formative years - they do as Father says, or he takes the little mothers out. All-in-all, I'd say that's the kind of good advice you won't find in any glossy magazine.

That Yahweh's got me in stitches

2011-01-20T18:51:00.000-08:00

You might say that God has come under a little criticism lately for the so-called “wrathful” way in which he set early humans on the straight and narrow. But here are a few quotes from the heart of the Pentateuch that show he has a fun side too!

Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces… [Malachi 2:3]

Snap! That must be where the old pie-in-the-face joke came from. And how about this practical joke on the Egyptians?

And [God] took off their chariot wheels, that they drave them heavily: so that the Egyptians said, Let us flee from the face of Israel; for the LORD fighteth for them against the Egyptians. [Exodus 14:25]

Doh! Can you imagine the looks on their faces? And how about this one on Aaron where God makes him wear a bell around:

A golden bell and a pomegranate upon the hem of the robe round about. And it shall be upon Aaron to minister: and his sound shall be heard when he goeth in unto the holy place before the LORD, and when he cometh out, that he die not. [Exodus 28:34-35]

Obviously God’s not going to strike him dead by mistake so you know he was slapping his knee whenever he heard the tinkle. Here’s my personal favorite, but I guess John Wayne Bobbitt won’t find it that funny:

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. [Deuteronomy 23:1]

And last but not least:

Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law. And all the people shall say, Amen. [Deuteronomy 27:23]

Amen to that one Big Man.